The Writing Anxiety

After a bit of searching and quite a bit of deliberating, I have finally decided that I am going to post some of my writing. I didn't want to just whip out a couple of things that I've written in the past and just blind-side my blog with my work, so I found a couple things that will help me ease into the idea of sharing my work with people outside of my writing classes and, well, the anonymous internet where I post occasional fanfiction.

I found this via Pinterest (you can visit my Pinterest page by clicking the icon at the top of my blog!) and another one that's 30 days, and I was interested. As a writer, this will be a good exercise for writing in general, and as a shy, secluded person, it will be a good exercise in letting my work be read. I plan on doing both the 7 and 30 day challenges, though not at the same time, and seeing how I feel towards the end of it.

I know that I am not the best at writing, though I aspire to be close to it, and one of my biggest fears is letting people know that I enjoy writing and want to make a career of it, and then they expect me to be on par with Tolstoy or Austen or someone truly incredible. I am a college student who wants to write because she loves to read and has an enormous imagination; I am not a perfectionist nor an artist. Just a girl who loves doing something so much she wants to do it for the rest of her life and is working towards at least trying to be good at it.

So don't be expecting something amazing. In fact, please don't expect anything at all. This entire thing is making me so nervous that I'm starting to question my decision to do it in the first place, but yet, here I go.
In the same vein: books. I have read some crazy books in the past few weeks. I recently made the decision to stop purchasing books with every spare bit of change I have, and instead of been trying to ease myself back into the library scene, which I abandoned almost four years ago when my fines racked up to $20 for keeping Season Six of Supernatural for too long. I have been using my brother's card to check out things and plan to do so for the indeterminate future.

I checked out 19 books in one week, spread rather unevenly through two visits (one resulted in 13 books, the other in the last 6), and that number has since dwindled down to 12. I do, however, have 6 new books waiting for me to pick up at the library when I next get the chance. I have to keep myself in constant supply of a great variety of reading material. My boyfriend calls me absolutely crazy, but that's just because he isn't a reader.
But my psycho reading habits are not the point. The point is that I have barreled my way through some pretty interesting books, and one particularly fantastic one.

This trilogy was extremely unexpected. With most books I read I can pick out what inspired them, I can see tendrils of other authors creeping into the work as the book I'm reading tries to imitate the beautiful universe of Harry Potter, or exude the mythical fantasy realm of Middle Earth. But not the Wintercraft trilogy. These books were so original, so unusual, that I'm surprised they aren't a bigger deal in the YA world. The author successfully makes you trust and admire a ruthless villain without even trying, and that is something that I find extremely impressive. But these aren't the fantastic book I mentioned earlier.

It was this one. I finished Steel this morning around 2 a.m. and immediately texted my boyfriend about how I had finished a book that left me with the same feeling (albeit on a smaller scale, obviously) that The Night Circus leaves me with. I have always had an affinity for the Victorian era, Vikings, and the Roaring Twenties. But never before have I been attracted to pirates. Oh, how Steel has influenced me. This book was so beautifully simple, so beautifully crafted, and the fact that it is a standalone is a bittersweet addition for me. But Steel will definitely be making a permanent appearance in my private library, because I see myself reading this over and over again until the words turn my dreams into movies.

The professor that I work for has started a book club that he got a grant for, and now 20 students are reading For the Least of These, which takes a biblical perspective on poverty and how to handle it. Since I am both his research assistant and teaching assistant, guess who got roped into facilitating a section of the book club? This girl.
I have always been uncomfortable and terrified by public speaking; the idea of being trapped in front of a crowd of people who are about to listen to your every word and then judge you based on what you say...not my idea of a good time. I get shaky, nervous, and nauseous. I now meet with a group of students in one of the classrooms at 5pm on Monday evenings and I go through the book club stuff with them as the leader.

I wanted to take it as an opportunity to cleanse myself of this fear, especially since I would be in control and in charge of the entire situation. I like to be in charge, and I especially like to be in control. Unfortunately, none of those things have helped me get over my fear of public speaking. In fact, those things haven't even helped me overcome my social anxiety. You know, that feeling that you would rather pee your pants than get up and walk out of the room to go to the bathroom because I don't want anyone to look at you? Yeah. That kind of social anxiety.

The kind of anxiety where you swallow your chewing gum and almost choke because the thought of walking to the trash can to spit it out when there are people around you is terrifying. That feeling where suddenly everything is too close, sounds are too loud, everything is just too much that you just have to quit and bail. It's one of those silent killers, you know? Public speaking awakens that anxiety and makes functioning almost impossible.
But part of growing up is just learning to deal with it, finding methods of coping, and trying to force it down until I get to go home.

All in all, the whole experience is a forced-learning one. Not one that I am particularly enjoying, but a learning experience nonetheless.
And since I'm on the roll of complaining, I have one more thing: be praying that I get my act together, because November is rolling up and I have no idea what my 2015 NaNoWriMo novel is going to be. All I know is that I am registered and getting ready to participate with absolutely no game plan whatsoever.
(Updates to Favourites page!)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

James 1:2-3